Lady Gaga's News

Buyer beware those promising a "Catholic education." St. Mary's Institute (SMI) is the Catholic grade school in my wife's New York hometown, Amsterdam. It is affiliated with St. Mary's Catholic Church, whose pastor Father John Medwid pens the opening to the Saint Mary's Institute annual newsletter.

"In September at the opening Mass I officially announced that this was going to be the Year of Our Lady at SMI," the letter began.

How nice. Except that's not what he wrote. There was someone else he had in mind to honor besides the Virgin Mary.

"In September at the opening Mass I officially announced that this was going to be the Year of Lady Gaga at SMI."

That's what he proclaimed. Apparently during Mass, too. Why Lady Gaga? Was every other living or dead female or male on planet Earth or anywhere else unavailable? The answer, he explains, is "complex," which is a euphemism for scandalous.

First, he writes, "many people may not realize that Lady Gaga is the product of Catholic education." (To which the response: So was Hitler.) Her real name, he tells us, is Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, as if she were some obscure Italian saint. She is a graduate of the Convent of the Sacred Heart where -- and here we're getting to the point - "she was someone who followed her own path ... It takes a great deal of courage especially for young people to blaze their own trails in life!"

Exactly which trail blazed should Catholic children find commendable?

Was it her attire during the nationally broadcast MTV Video Music Awards last year, watched by millions of children - a thong? Was it her video earlier this year in which she simulates all manner of sexual activities while bizarrely "resurrecting" from their tombs Michael Jackson, Gandhi and - maybe this was it? - Jesus Christ? Was it her song "Judas" where she proclaims, "I'm still in love with Judas, baby. Jesus is my virtue," but "Judas is the demon that I cling to"?Was it how she constantly promotes gay themes in her music and bashes the military for its treatment of gays? Or maybe she's a trailblazer of another sort. Speaking at a gay-left dinner in 2011, President Obama began by joking, "I took a trip out to California last week, where I held some productive bilateral talks with your leader, Lady Gaga." Father Medwid's second reason for having a Catholic grade school honor Lady Gaga is also vague. It "is to highlight her immense creativity." Was Father Medwid impressed when Lady Gaga said of Pope Benedict XVI, "What the Pope thinks of being gay does not matter to the world?" Maybe it was the video "Alejandro" he found so immensely creative. In it she dressed in a nun's habit, swallowed a Rosary and engaged in simulated erotic activities with her male back up dancers. As the Catholic League's Bill Donohue put it, Lady Gaga "has now become the new poster girl for American decadence and Catholic bashing." Maybe it was her "Marry the Night" music video in which she depicts herself having an abortion. Maybe it was the song she deliberately released on Christmas Day, "Stuck on F---in You" (and no, nothing's edited in the song). Maybe it's other creative talents grade school children can admire. A couple of years ago Lady Gaga released a new fragrance called "Fame." She referred to the scent as "a very slutty perfume." She boasted, "It was taken out of my own blood sample, so it's a sense of having me on your skin. I wanted to extract sort of the feeling and sense of blood and semen..." Or is it just her mind we should celebrate, as when she stated on an MTV program in 2010, "For me this evening, if we don't stand up for what we believe in and if we don't fight for our rights pretty soon, we're going to have as much rights as the meat on our own bones. And, I'm not a piece of meat." That statement by Lady Gaga makes just about as much sense as a supposedly Catholic grade school, bearing the highest of responsibilities - providing a moral education to children -- honoring her.

Much like Lady Gaga's whole ARTPOP concept itself, the " G.U.Y." singer's upcoming artRave: The ARTPOP Ball Tour could mean ANYTHING.

When it all kicks off in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, on Sunday, will we see anything from my list of artRave demands? Will there be body fluids flying because #performanceart? What about Volantis? Will Gaga's famed flying dress gain sentience, lock herself in a dressing room, and swear she won't come out until each individual in the audience tells her she looks great tonight? WHO CAN SAY.

Still, there are a couple of must-have items that all of us here at MTV feel would serve any concert-goer well the night of the show.

I mean, with "rave" in the tour's title, you definitely couldn't go wrong with some candy bracelets and pacifiers. ( Bejeweled, even?) Plus no Gaga lewk would be complete without some gravity-defying platforms. Practically speaking, a rain poncho might be a good thing to pack if you're planning to be near the front of the stage. Remember Gaga's SXSW performance? Just sayin'.

But, if all else fails, just bring a Ziploc of loose glitter, and you'll be fine.

If you're not hitchhiking your way down to Florida right at this very second, then I just don't even know where to begin with fixing your life. Why? Because Lady Gaga's artRave: The ARTPOP Ball Tour kicks off this Sunday night in Fort Lauderdale, and there's literally not that much else that matters at the moment, TBQH.

Maybe it's the fact that I don't even go here, but I just have a lot of feelings about the " G.U.Y. " singer's imminent, globe-trotting set. I'm sure you do, too, yeah?

Why don't we channel them into some kind of productive activity, like stripping naked and screaming about the Illuminati at the nearest intersection? Wait, I mean making a list of everything I hope to see at Gaga's concert kickoff on May 4. Feel free to add your own thoughts in the comments, and let me know if my rundown is YAAAS or NOT YAAAS.

I'm totally not knocking " Applause" or " Do What U Want," but can we finally get some live performances of ARTPOP's deep cuts? Namely, "Mary Jane Holland," but I also would NOT be mad at some "Jewels n' Drugs" revival. Oh! And the nearly forgotten "Brooklyn Nights," duh.

Actually, I feel like Gaga's show wouldn't be complete without mining her back catalog for every era's hidden gems. She did whip out Born This Way fan-favorite "Black Jesus + Amen Fashion" at her Roseland Ballroom shows, but, like, I wanna lose my voice for days shout-singing along to "Summerboy."

Lady Starlight, Gaga's musical collaborator from her pre-fame days, is going to be the opening act, so if they don't reunite for a round of "Blueberry Kisses," then I'm just gonna rage-vomit pastel-dyed milk EVERYWHERE. Ya been warned.

As Lady Gaga says in ARTPOP 's title track: "My ARTPOP could mean anything." But, um, am I the only one who might like a clearer definition? Like, what if we've been wrong this whole time, and "ARTPOP" is actually just limited to 19th-century paintings of pioneers fording rivers?

Speaking of which, I feel all but entitled to new details on Gaga's long-hinted-at sequel to her third studio album. Perhaps she's been waiting for the chance to sidestep the media and reveal the news directly to her fans?

Hopefully, I'm not being too demanding (LOL DGAF), but is it too much to ask for Marina Abramović to show up? MEDITATING NAKED ON CRYSTALS IN UPSTATE NEW YORK CAN WAIT. Oh, and while we're on the subject of surprise cameos, how about puppy Asia (a.k.a. BATPIG) and boyfriend/star of the world's collective sexxx dreams Taylor Kinney?

Wear whatever you want, obviously, but I'd be a little bummed if the majority of you concertgoers weren't decked head-to-toe in Aphrodite lady seashell bikinis, terrifyingly " Dope " grills, and some insane footwear that makes me question how you're even, like, upright.

You know how Gaga has a habit of pausing her shows to share some inspiring words with her fans in the audience? I expect - nay, DEMAND to be weeping by night's end.

Because, unless L'Oréal has been lying to me since birth, I'M WORTH IT. No pressure, but my sense of self-worth is literally resting on your shoulders, Gaga. Whelp, seeya there!